Principles of Christian Dating
Lena and I recently led a workshop on “Christian Dating” for our THC Family. Here is some of the key principles for you to consider in your season of dating or in the advice we, Christ-Followers, should aim to give for those in our community dating.
Our advice comes from almost 15 years of pastoring together as a married couple. You may not agree with some of these – seeing them as too conservative. That’s okay to wrestle with these principles. We are always open to hearing a variety of opinions. We may even give different emphasis’ on some of these principles depending on the person and the situation.
Since the concept of modern western dating is foreign to the Bible – we are developing these principles
May these principles cause you to pray and think more deeply about dating in a way that honors the teachings of Jesus.
1. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Marriage
The Bible opens with the beautiful vision of marriage.
What is marriage according to God?
A man and woman…
in lifelong covenant to one another…
reflecting the heart of God to one another…
aiming at oneness
(Genesis 1:26-28, 31).
God calls this kind of marriage… “good”
Why?
When we reflect God’s image (or heart) to one another and raise children under this union – the world… flourishes.
Christian dating should be aimed at marriage. And Christian marriage should be aimed at reflecting God and “becoming one” to one another. Jesus, our Leader, re-affirms the goodness of this kind of marriage in Matthew 19:1-6
Much of the dating we observe around us is: dating for a sense of affirmation or romance-idolatry or lust-appeasement. As Christ-Followers we need to see everything from the lens of Christ and His Kingdom. This is what we are living for as His followers (Matthew 6:33).
This is why Christian dating should be aimed at marriage – joining in God’s heart of seeing the world flourish under this union.
This is also why it’s unwise to date non-Christians (who do not share in these key values) and why it’s also unwise when you are not in a season where marriage is in the foreseeable future.
When considering dating, reflect on these questions:
- Am I in a season where I can seriously consider marriage?
- Am I wanting to date because I believe my partner will affirm my worth?
- Am I despising my singleness?
- Can I envision my romantic interest as a marriage-partner that can fulfill God’s design for marriage?
2. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Holiness
Paul tells the believers in Thessalonica plainly:
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality…” (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
God’s will for you… is your sanctification or your holiness.
God’s chief aim for His children is to conform/shape us into the character of Jesus (Romans 8:29)
Dating is no exception. Dating should not be a detriment to holiness but a conduit to holiness.
Imagine if we grew closer to God through dating? And not further apart?
How do we do this?
1) Before, During, & Always - Seek Spiritual Guidance
“There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors” (Proverbs 11:14)
When you are interested in someone… seek a spiritually mature Christ-follower who knows you well and ask them, “Do you believe it’s wise for me to date in this season? Do you believe he/she is an ideal person for me to date?”
We are often too afraid to ask these kinds of questions out of fear of the answer – but maybe that fear should tell us something.
This doesn’t mean their advice is equal in authority to the word of God, but give it weight! Pray through it. Wrestle with it. God will be blessed and honored as you cultivate what Richard Foster calls “The spiritual discipline of guidance”.
Bring in a spiritually mature Christ-Follower (ideally married couple) into your dating as well! Give them permission to ask you anything and keep you accountable.
Even after dating, once engaged – seek out pre-marital counseling. Let wise people speak into your life.
2) Commit to Sexual Purity – 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and Hebrews 13:4 teach us that pre-marriage sex is sinful.
Make a commitment to abstain until marriage. Set up wise boundaries. Invite accountability. Why? Because this honors Christ but also, in the event that you don’t end up marrying – you are protecting the intimacy of both future marriages.
God is full of grace and able to restore all brokenness, but it’s a lie to believe that past sexual relationships don’t affect you/others in the future.
3. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Kingdom-Building
Sometimes when Christians date they are so focused on one another they abandon church community.
I’ve found Paul’s advice to singles and married in 1 Corinthians 7 to be profound. He sees the marriage union as the God-honoring blessing that it is, but He also elevates the status of the single Christian who is living for the Kingdom of God.
He even encourages married couples to prioritize the Kingdom of God in their marriages.
“What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as they do not… (1 Corinthians 7:29a)
The Life Application commentary explains:
“Our marriages, homes, possessions, and financial security are important to us, but Paul encourages us to not make any of these are ultimate goal in life.”
Christ Followers live for the Kingdom of Jesus in marriage, in singleness, and in dating.
Though we can be “head over heels” for our dating partner – we must combat our tendency to elevate idols over our Lord Jesus.
In your dating, don’t abandon community. Don’t abandon disciple-making. Don’t neglect the needy around you. We still live for the Great Commandment and Great Commission.
May you date in a way that honors Christ.
Love,
PM & Lena
Our advice comes from almost 15 years of pastoring together as a married couple. You may not agree with some of these – seeing them as too conservative. That’s okay to wrestle with these principles. We are always open to hearing a variety of opinions. We may even give different emphasis’ on some of these principles depending on the person and the situation.
Since the concept of modern western dating is foreign to the Bible – we are developing these principles
May these principles cause you to pray and think more deeply about dating in a way that honors the teachings of Jesus.
1. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Marriage
The Bible opens with the beautiful vision of marriage.
What is marriage according to God?
A man and woman…
in lifelong covenant to one another…
reflecting the heart of God to one another…
aiming at oneness
(Genesis 1:26-28, 31).
God calls this kind of marriage… “good”
Why?
When we reflect God’s image (or heart) to one another and raise children under this union – the world… flourishes.
Christian dating should be aimed at marriage. And Christian marriage should be aimed at reflecting God and “becoming one” to one another. Jesus, our Leader, re-affirms the goodness of this kind of marriage in Matthew 19:1-6
Much of the dating we observe around us is: dating for a sense of affirmation or romance-idolatry or lust-appeasement. As Christ-Followers we need to see everything from the lens of Christ and His Kingdom. This is what we are living for as His followers (Matthew 6:33).
This is why Christian dating should be aimed at marriage – joining in God’s heart of seeing the world flourish under this union.
This is also why it’s unwise to date non-Christians (who do not share in these key values) and why it’s also unwise when you are not in a season where marriage is in the foreseeable future.
When considering dating, reflect on these questions:
- Am I in a season where I can seriously consider marriage?
- Am I wanting to date because I believe my partner will affirm my worth?
- Am I despising my singleness?
- Can I envision my romantic interest as a marriage-partner that can fulfill God’s design for marriage?
2. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Holiness
Paul tells the believers in Thessalonica plainly:
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality…” (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
God’s will for you… is your sanctification or your holiness.
God’s chief aim for His children is to conform/shape us into the character of Jesus (Romans 8:29)
Dating is no exception. Dating should not be a detriment to holiness but a conduit to holiness.
Imagine if we grew closer to God through dating? And not further apart?
How do we do this?
1) Before, During, & Always - Seek Spiritual Guidance
“There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors” (Proverbs 11:14)
When you are interested in someone… seek a spiritually mature Christ-follower who knows you well and ask them, “Do you believe it’s wise for me to date in this season? Do you believe he/she is an ideal person for me to date?”
We are often too afraid to ask these kinds of questions out of fear of the answer – but maybe that fear should tell us something.
This doesn’t mean their advice is equal in authority to the word of God, but give it weight! Pray through it. Wrestle with it. God will be blessed and honored as you cultivate what Richard Foster calls “The spiritual discipline of guidance”.
Bring in a spiritually mature Christ-Follower (ideally married couple) into your dating as well! Give them permission to ask you anything and keep you accountable.
Even after dating, once engaged – seek out pre-marital counseling. Let wise people speak into your life.
2) Commit to Sexual Purity – 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and Hebrews 13:4 teach us that pre-marriage sex is sinful.
Make a commitment to abstain until marriage. Set up wise boundaries. Invite accountability. Why? Because this honors Christ but also, in the event that you don’t end up marrying – you are protecting the intimacy of both future marriages.
God is full of grace and able to restore all brokenness, but it’s a lie to believe that past sexual relationships don’t affect you/others in the future.
3. Christian Dating Should Be Aimed at Kingdom-Building
Sometimes when Christians date they are so focused on one another they abandon church community.
I’ve found Paul’s advice to singles and married in 1 Corinthians 7 to be profound. He sees the marriage union as the God-honoring blessing that it is, but He also elevates the status of the single Christian who is living for the Kingdom of God.
He even encourages married couples to prioritize the Kingdom of God in their marriages.
“What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as they do not… (1 Corinthians 7:29a)
The Life Application commentary explains:
“Our marriages, homes, possessions, and financial security are important to us, but Paul encourages us to not make any of these are ultimate goal in life.”
Christ Followers live for the Kingdom of Jesus in marriage, in singleness, and in dating.
Though we can be “head over heels” for our dating partner – we must combat our tendency to elevate idols over our Lord Jesus.
In your dating, don’t abandon community. Don’t abandon disciple-making. Don’t neglect the needy around you. We still live for the Great Commandment and Great Commission.
May you date in a way that honors Christ.
Love,
PM & Lena
No Comments